


Infestation

by Kittens



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Bald Armitage Hux, Bald Kylo Ren, Crack, M/M, Parasites, Shaving, lice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23768680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittens/pseuds/Kittens
Summary: Kylo had brought back some unwanted guests from his latest mission and there's no way to treat everyone on the Finalizer. There's only one thing that can be done - shave everyone's hair.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 17
Kudos: 44





	Infestation

Hux resisted the urge to scratch at his head. The itch was becoming unbearable but he couldn’t be seen scratching his head while on the bridge. Although he wasn’t the only one that seemed to have a problem. As he glanced around the bridge, he noticed that several other officers were scratching at their heads.

Their training should have been enough to overcome such urges and Hux would have reprimanded them if he wasn’t experiencing the same urge to scratch himself. If everyone was so itchy, Hux thought there might be some underlying reason.

Almost as soon as he thought that, his datapad pinged with an alert - a notification from the ship’s head doctor. It confirmed just what Hux had been thinking. The _Finalizer_ had an outbreak of tetragol lice. And Hux didn’t even need to ask where the infestation had started. That particular kind of lice was prevalent on the planet that Ren had returned from only a week before.

There would be no one else to hold him responsible for infecting the entire ship with lice, so Hux would have to chew him out himself. He gave command of the bridge to the nearest officer and headed to Ren’s quarters.

Hux didn’t bother requesting entry. He entered his override code and marched inside. Ren was sitting on the floor, scratching at his head.

“You’ve infected the entire ship!” Hux shouted at him. “Have you ever considered practicing basic hygiene? Maybe if you learned how to shower you wouldn’t have brought lice back from your latest mission!”

“Go away, Hux!” Ren shouted back. “I’m not in the mood to listen to you!”

“Well, too bad! Maybe you’ll think about the consequences next time you go to a lice infested planet!”

“It wasn’t intentional!” Ren stood up and Hux was pleased to see that he at least looked miserable. But that still didn’t fix the problem.

“It doesn’t matter! You still brought lice back!” 

“Well go deal with it!”

“What’s the point of dealing with an infestation if you don’t fix the original problem! Who knows what you’ll bring back next time!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I be sterilizing everything when I come back on the ship?”

“That would be quite helpful, yes.”

“It’s a waste of time!”

“Clearly it wouldn’t be! We wouldn’t be having this problem if you’d taken some precautions!”

“You don’t make your stormtroopers clean themselves after coming back!”

“That’s because they’re not rolling around in piles of filth!”

“Get out of my quarters!”

“Not until I have some assurance you’ll take precautions next time!”

“Then stay here!” Ren ran his hand through his hair and then reached for Hux, but he backed away.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure you have your fair share of lice!”

“Get your filthy hands away from me!”

“Then get out of my quarters!” Ren made another reach for Hux, but he ducked away. It really didn’t matter if he got more lice, but somehow, getting them directly from Ren seemed worse than getting them from someone else. 

“Why can’t you be responsible for once?” Hux growled as he avoided Ren again. 

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” 

Hux found himself frozen in place with the Force and soon Ren’s hand was running through his hair. Hux cursed at him and tried to push Ren away, but he couldn’t move at all. When Ren finally stepped away, Hux found himself able to move again.

“You’re disgusting!” Hux shouted, and although it was too late to help, he couldn’t help but take a swing at him. Ren always brought out the worst in him.

Ren wasn’t one to take a punch and forget about it and soon Hux found himself in a fight with Ren. He used his larger size to knock Hux down, but Hux was used to fighting larger opponents. He hit Ren wherever he could and they continued, making a mess of Ren’s quarters until they were both exhausted.

“I hate you,” Hux grumbled once he caught his breath. 

“You’re not so bad when you’re not talking,” Ren replied.

“There’s nothing that would make you less terrible,” Hux said. Before he could continue to insult Ren, he realized that there was an alert on his datapad and that it had been going off for some time.

Hux looked at his datapad and regretted his fight with Ren. Medical had sent another message saying that there was not enough of the lice treatment for the entire ship. As the highest ranking officer, Hux did have priority, but he needed to make an appointment and his time to do so had already expired.

Cursing, Hux left Ren’s quarters. Maybe he could make it to medical before they used up all the medicine. Unfortunately, he wasn’t going to be able to make that trip on his own because Ren followed him. He’d probably read the message over Hux’s shoulder. Hux walked a little faster, wanting to arrive before Ren.

Ren sped up as well and it wasn’t long before they were both walking as fast as they could and they ended up arriving at the same time. What Hux saw was not promising. There were several officers who were having their heads shaved.

“General,” said one of the doctors. “Commander Ren. Are you here for lice treatment?”

“I am,” Hux said. “Is there any of the medicine left?”

“I’m afraid not sir,” the doctor said. “We need to shave everyone’s hair. If you want to shave your own hair, we have some extra equipment, but not enough people to do the work. We can have you taken care of in about an hour.”

“I’ll do it myself,” Ren grumbled.

The doctor showed Ren to a private room and Hux couldn’t help but follow. He wanted to see Ren shave all of his hair off. Hux had often thought about what Ren would look like without his obnoxious, non-regulation hair. Hux had usually imagined him with a neat haircut, but seeing him without any hair at all might be even better.

“What are you doing?” Ren asked as he picked up the razor.

“Just thought I’d see if you need any help,” Hux said. Not that he wanted to help Ren. He just wanted to watch as all that hair fell away.

“Well. Here. Help.” Ren held the razor out to him and Hux froze. He hadn’t expected Ren to take that seriously. But he’d always imagined cutting off all that hair. It might be even better to shave him.

Hux took the razor and Ren sat down. It was hard to believe that he was actually going to get rid of all of Ren’s hair and Hux couldn’t help but be a little excited about it, although when he remembered the reason why they had to shave, it killed some of his enthusiasm. Especially since he knew he’d have to shave too.

Still, he could at least enjoy the moment. 

He turned the razor on and made a quick pass over the top of Ren’s head, leaving a bare stripe down the center of his head. Hux couldn’t help but laugh at just how ridiculous he looked. If it wasn’t a health hazard, Hux would have left him like that.

“Get on with it,” Kylo growled. Hux did, slowly making sure he removed every single hair on Ren’s head, pausing every now and then to laugh at him. 

“You know you’re next,” Ren said once Hux had finished. “I’ll return the favor.”

“I can handle it myself,” Hux replied. He looked at the razor in his hand and wasn’t so sure about that. Maybe he could just keep to himself until they could get more medicine. He really didn’t want to shave his hair. He liked the way his orange hair stood out against the blacks and grays of the ship.

“You can’t.” Ren took the razor and shoved Hux down into the seat. Then, before Hux could protest, Ren had shaved a strip of hair off his head.

“Careful, Ren! You’d better not cut me!”

“If you’re not quiet, there might be an accident,” Ren threatened.

Soon enough, Ren had finished and Hux had no hair left on his head. He’d definitely have to start wearing his cap more often, although it would probably need to be decontaminated. They walked out of the room and Hux was not surprised to be met by a droid, asking them to take their clothes off. Those also needed to be cleaned.

They were provided with clean clothes and Hux quickly stripped and put the new clothes on. He was finished before Ren and he couldn’t help but peek over at him. He got a brief view of Ren’s thick, muscular legs as he pulled his new pants on, and the sleeveless shirt he put on was tight enough that Hux could still make out the muscles underneath.

Ren turned and looked at him and Hux was embarrassed he’d been caught staring, but he refused to look away. Ren stared back and neither of them said anything. Then, Ren stepped closer to him.

“What are you doing?” Hux asked. Ren didn’t answer, but he reached out and touched the top of his head.

“Smooth,” he said.

“Obviously. Get your hands off me. You can touch your own head if you want.”

“I like this.” Ren continued to touch him, and as much as Hux wanted to push him away, he couldn’t help but think that it was the first time someone had touched him so gently. Not that it meant anything coming from Ren, who had been fighting with him not even an hour earlier.

“You’re obnoxious,” Hux said. But if Ren was going to touch him, Hux could do the same and he put a hand on Ren’s head. Like Ren said, it was smooth and Hux couldn’t help but run his hand back and forth over his bald head.

They were standing so close to each other, touching each other, and Hux couldn’t help but take notice of Ren’s lips. They looked so soft and inviting and Hux couldn’t help but kiss him. It was a quick kiss and as soon as Hux fully realized what he was doing, he pulled away, but Ren held him close.

For a moment, they stared at each other and then Ren leaned forward, kissing Hux in return. Hux reached up, wrapping an arm around Ren while a hand reached up to stroke his head again. It would be nice if Ren kept his head like that forever, but Hux knew he wouldn’t. He’d just have to enjoy it while he could.

And he was apparently going to find out just what else he could enjoy with Ren. Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.


End file.
